What do I have to offer...
I thought about that today.
I went to the gym at the apartment for the first time since moving in. I did over a mile on the treadmill with 5 incline and 4 speed. I know it's not much but everyone has to start somewhere. I felt dizzy and my face was red for a long time afterwards. But I did it.
I feel ugly, sad about my weight, and depressed alot. I think alot of my "shyness" and social anxiety stems from just my low self esteem.
But I've been with my boyfriend for like ever right? But I know that even he doesn't find me attractive. He does, but he doesn't sorta thing. He says he does (find me attractive) or he wouldnt be with me, and on rare ocassions will tell me I'm beautiful or hot, but very very very rarely. Most of the time he tells me that if I would lose weight he would sleep with me more, be more attracted to me, and that I'd be "even hotter". He says I'm like a 6 on the guy scale thing, but if I lost weight I'd be a 9 or a 10. I know I'm almost middle aged now and should be past the point of caring (about things like silly guy scales). I'm not mad at him at all btw... I write it only out of self pitty for myself. I guess there MIGHT be a pretty girl somewhere hiding beneath all this fat. But there's so much fat that I just can't find her. That's how I feel about myself. I don't even feel like a 6... maybe a 4... at best. Average, slightly below average, to way below average, depending on the day and my mood. I rarely if ever feel "pretty". It's depressing...
On top of that the last time we had an arguement or minor disagreement, he said I was a bitch 90% of the time... This really really REALLY bothered me. I think I told him before (and wondered if he was using it as "ammo" in our fight, but, I was a complete bitch to my ex and that is why we broke up. Or my best guess as to why. And looking back there is not a single doubt or question in my mind, that the blame is ALL MINE. It still bothers me. I carry that shit around every day. Some days are harder for me than others in the blame game. Everything happens for a reason though because now I'm with my current boyfriend which I wouldn't have been without single handedly ruining my previous relationships. Silver lining?
But why it bothered me, was that I honestly feel like I've gotten SO MUCH better. I rarely get angry, rarely raise my voice, NEVER throw things or hit anyone, and rarely get jealous (I still do sometimes I'm human, but ussually it's in cases where the girl has overstepped a boundary, like kissing my boyfriend.) I mean I think I'm like 98% better. It's like night and day, the person I was 10 years ago, the person I am now... at least **I** think so.
**I** think I'm really sweet, supportive, calm, agreeable, friendly, loving, etc. And I know I'm alot better - or at least more open/willing to try things in bed now, as opposed to shy and walled off and afraid of sex in general which was another mistake with my ex.
So when my boyfriend told me I'm a bitch to him 90% of the time, it left me wondering WTF??? I asked him about it tonight now that we've had a few days since then, and he said "More like 70%"... Still W---T---F?????
Am I that bad of a person???! Really? Really? REALLY?
I don't understand what it is that I do so wrong. But he says that I say stuff without thinking until he points it out and then I say how sorry I am. well I do say I'm sorry anytime he says that I've hurt his feelings. The last thing I want to do is hurt him, and I do feel awful when it happens... But I don't always comprehend why he is so hurt or upset.
Sometimes I fuck up hardcore I know. I'm human. I fuck up. I know I do. But... 70% of the time?????! I think more like MAYBE 15% of the time tops. I mean most the time I ask him what he wants to do, do what he wants to do, play what he wants to play, listen to what he wants to hear, talk about what he wants to say, see what he wants to watch, so on and so on and so on. I try to do the chores the house is fairly neat. I am more than willing to assist in the bedroom even though my services are not required very often. I think I'm always supportive, a good listener, quiet, attentative, paitent, etc... But he feels like I'm a bitch 3/4ths of the time?
It's not that it hurts my feelings...
It's just....
Am I really a bitch and just oblivious to it?
Because I certainly did not realize the error of my ways until far too late with my other boyfriends, and it haunts me years afterwards for both of them. I don't want to feel that way again... to look back and have so many regretts...
Is it going to be the same way? That's what I wonder. I love brian and I wonder if I am taking him for granted or mistreating him. But I guess I probably will never know until it's too late.
Hindsight is 20/20.
If I could make up for all the mistakes I've made, and people I've hurt....
But life doesn't work like that.
You learn from your mistakes - or should. I thought I did... Have I been a blind fool all this time again? |
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Nothing like fooling around to boost your self esteem hehe... He came in as I was finishing my journal entry and sat in the chair next to the couch where I sleep. I remarked that he was "just in his boxers and sitting by me and that I should pounce him since he was so open" He did the ace ventura slash guy-ish "ohoho really" thing, sorta teasing me/egging me on. But I lamented that it was almost 1 in the morning and that I should let him sleep so he wasn't grumpy in the morning. and he remarked "That's what coffee is for" which was pretty much all the consent I needed as I slid out of bed and crawled across the floor towards him, beaming up at him mischievously. And now an hour later I feel alot better about myself lol XD. Being desirable, being wanted, being watched, feeling loved, that is like AT LEAST 70% of sex for a woman. Maybe even 80%. Don't get me wrong, it feels good ya, and we get horny just like men do for the physical aspects too, but for women, sex is a huge mind game and far more mental than physical. I mean think about it, for women in a typical relationship we play the submissive role in day to day life, but sex can make us feel powerful. In that sense guys are "weak" and easily controlled by their bodies, while women are playing the mind card, to move just a certain suggestive way, look at him a certain way, say certain things, all to elicit reaction. And the man's natural response, satisfies women's natural desire to feel needed / wanted / accepted in the relationship. Self validation should not (and in the long term does not) come from a man, but the quick fix "high" like feeling is really --- REALLY nice anyways. :) I told him that he would probably get pounced again tomorrow and he said "Good" reconfirming that he wants it, me, and that I'm desirable and that of course boosts my self esteem for awhile. True self esteem has to come from within, but every once in awhile being needed and wanted is enough to cheer me up for a little bit. To hear him moan and whisper softly to me and know that I'm causing all of that, makes me feel special :) Is that wrong? lol makes me seem kinda cheap or something, but just being honest with my feelings :) |
Ungh it's almost 1 already. I've just been applying for jobs all day today hardcore. I hope that I get something soon. I mean yeah technically I have til may 2010 before I **have** to get a job (IE unemployment cuts off after one year), But I don't want it to come down to that, because if it does, I may be forced to take a crappy minimum wage position and be worried about bills. It's stressful... It'd be GREAT if I could find something in my field... but at this point... I really just want ANYTHING that pays at least 9 an hour and is steady 40 hours or more every week.... /facepalm... Why is that so hard to find? I mean I'm not asking for alot here. sigh.
I gotta eat lunch and go to the gym and shower still today. |
My legs are stiff. I did 1.3 miles today in the same amount of time as 1 mile took me yesterday. and burned alot more calories today than yesterday. I thought about giving up when I reached the 1 mile mark. I was tired and had sweat dripping into my eyes even from running so hard. I am proud that I went the full time and didn't stop even once. Kept moving the entire work out at a steady pace didn't slow down or take a break at all. It makes me feel happy/proud even though I know it's not much yet. I almost didn't go today. It was after 4pm when I found time to slip down to the gym. I know it's only 30 minutes out of my day but I had alot of chores and errands today. I'm not eating much at all which I know is bad for metabolism but I just dont find the urges to eat anymore. When I lived at home I was hungry all the time. And had intense cravings for things. And another weird thing was alot of times if I'd eat something bad I'd want it again and again and again for days in a row after that. Not so much with meals as I'm not a fan of left overs, but snacks and bad things. Also (and I think I might still do this but havent had a chance to find out) when I was nervous, upset, or embarrassed I would mumble/whisper to myself "I'm hungry" even when I wasn't hungry at all, even if I just ate a 5 course meal and was stuffed to the gills, I would always say that, especially when I was embarrassed. I dunno why. Anyways ya that was sorta a tangent. Anyways now that I have to cook my own food and do my own dishes and take out my own trash and etc, I find eating to be less "fun" and alot of work. Also I get busy with other chores and errands and things and just put off eating etc. I eat only one meal a day and usually thats after the bf gets home since I'm ussually cooking then for him or on his days off he'll cook for me, etc.
So anyways I should start losing weight. I'm not eating much (which might stall weight loss initially but still that combined with the fact that I'm burning a couple hundred calories each day, and being more active by simple mathematics means I should see at least a LITTLE bit of weight loss.)
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In other news I get paid by the state again tomorrow. They called me today and basically told me that while I *technically* qualify for some of the programs that I have a good degree already and to just keep looking and that they would keep an eye open and call me if they found anything for me. ._. Discouraging... But yay I can pay most of my bills tomorrow and put a lil in the bank.
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Being unemployed is nice but also stressful and while working can be stressful it's also reassuring that you will be able to afford things and keep up with expenses. It'd also be good for me to get back out and make some friends and aquaintances on my own outside of my boyfriend's circle of friends, who are all nice and lovely, but they're *his* friends - not mine, and I would be better rounded to make some friends of my own, especially if this is it for the long haul, long term, rest of my life in this little ohio town. :) |
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