Rpg_Goddess' Live Journal

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 17:48:41 GMT

Just took care of some unemployment related things. I am good for unemployment until March 27th 2010. Called and confirmed and asked some questions and stuff about extensions and so on.

Im not trying to "ride it out" or anything, but I was just concerned how long I had left etc.

If Im still unemployed come spring:
Im going back to school in spring and will probably get a small part time job

Im thinking vetinary technician or computer programing

I've been thinking of going back to school (Career Tests)

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 02:20:32 GMT

You would be very happy in a career that utilised your level-headedness, and allowed you to work mainly on your own. You want a career that allows you to be creative, without having to be involved with lots of people. Some careers that would be perfect for you are:

* Artist
* Historian
* Banker
* Novelist
* University Professor
* Photographer
* Vet
* Paralegal
* Graphic Designer
* Online Content Developer
* Webmaster
* Producer
* Managing Director
* Nutritionist
* Advertising
* Nursing

You like working and being alone. You like to avoid attention at all costs. You tend to keep to yourself, and not interact much with the people around you. You enjoy spending time with a few a close friends. You like to listen to others, but don't like sharing much about yourself. You are very quiet and private.

You are very practical, and only act after thinking things through. You don't like being forced to answer quickly. You have to evaluate the situation completely. You make decisions based on what you can verify with your senses.

You like to be deeply involved in one or two special projects. You like to be behind the scenes. You are very logical and fair. You feel you should be honest with others and protect their feelings.

You trust your gut instincts. You are easily inspired and trust that inspiration. You are very innovative. You analyse things by looking at the big picture. You are concerned about how what you do affects others. You worry about your actions and the future. You tend to use a lot of metaphors and are very descriptive and colourful in your choice of language.

You are very creative, and get bored easily if you don't get to express yourself. You like to learn new things. You don't like the same old routine. You like to leave your options open.

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 05:34:37 GMT

Lol I realized I sounded like a total ditz in my last post. I was using that language as a satire/to be funny but then it makes me realize that people who don't know me probably think wow, this chick is annoying. :P

In reality, I am very quiet and shy. Not the type that is hyper and squeals and says "for reals" :P I dont think Ive ever said that with a straight face/non jokingly before lol.

Although I do say "like" alot in real life that is one of my worst habits

I also cant spell :)

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 06:38:00 GMT

I have a huge Z.Z I went to a renisance faire 2night. I have a feeling its not a very good 1. None of the vendor dudes were in garb at all. And half of the funhouse/haunted house ppl were also not in garb. It was sorta cool though. the haunted castle was the FOR REALS REALLY REAL authentic ORIGINAL munsters mansion from the 60 tv show. the one they used on the tv show FOR REALS.

That was pretty sweet.

Also 2 really funny things happened

First there was this scarecrow in a tree. And one of the girls we were with was like "I wonder if that's real" and Im like "naw it's just made of cloth and straw and stuff. And she's like "You never know" and Im like "Go poke it and find out" and she's like "Hell no" and Im like "Well fine I'll go poke it then" and I get up REALLY close to it and start to lift my arm and it jumps up and is a real person lol.

I wasnt as much scared as just REALLY embarrassed haha...

---------------

The 2nd was in the background of a photo I was like... standing making a face with a finger up and they all teased me and said I look like velma and my friend is gonna tag it as "Jinkies" lol...

So then we were thinking of going as a scooby group next year lol.

Of course Im the dorky/fat/frumpy one that no one likes lol.

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PS: glasses and renisance clothes are awful.... I look like such a total tool.

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 15:55:09 GMT

Gah.... Everyone gets married so young... and within such a short time of knowing one another. After my grandpa's death it got me thinking about how short life is and what I want to do with my life. In a year and a half I will be 30... 30 years old. I always wanted to get married before I was 30. I dunno if it'll ever happen. I want children too... not right now... but soon. Before I'm 35 at the VERRRRY latest. VERY latest. Seriously. I'd like them within the next 2-3 years honestly. I want two. HOPEFULLY no more than that but if twins or tripplets or "oops" happened it would be ok. but I want at LEAST 2... I was an only child and it totally sucks balls. Seriously. I would never want to do that to a kid. And I don't even know if I can have kids. I have alot of internal female problems. Could always adopt. I suppose... and I might if I'm not married by time I'm 35 Or even if I am married and just can't have kids. I would like one of each really, a boy and a girl.

But I want to be married first....

I joined 43 things just now. I was maybe on it when I was a teen/tween. but I just just now a new account. First thing I picked was "get married" and reading through people's "how I did it"s it's all like "We dated for 5 months, were engaged for 2" It's like dear god... I've been with my boyfriend for 7 or 8 years (so long I've lost count) And all these ppl date for less than half a year and get married? WTFFFFF

I have to say I'm friggin jealous. And nervous... My time is running out. I've spent my entire 20s devoted to one man (brian.) and if things were to not work out... My youth is gone and wasted. It's not so bad for men, but women only have a few child bearing years. After 35 or 40 the danger to mother and baby raise exponentially.

Plus If I'm 35... I'll be 53 before the kid even graduates highschool... Probably close to 60 by time it finishes college... I want to have grandchildren and be active enough to play with them and see them graduate highschool and so on... You know? I don't wanna wait til my life is almost over.

I hope to be married someday.

Also adding to my list:
Get out of debt
Buy a home
Lose Weight
And lots of other things.

You will be able to view my list here when I am finished http://www.43things.com/person/Xenokitten

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 17:31:43 GMT

My grandpa died...
I think Im still in shock.
I'm crying but I dont think it's really hit me yet that he's gone.
He was still pretty young since everyone in my family had children in their teens/early twenties, there was only about 20 years separating each generation.
My mom is 46 or 47, my grandma is around 65, and I think my grandpa was maybe 68 or so. roughly.
I feel really sad right now.
I'm all alone and need a hug.

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 03:50:35 GMT

I feel really sad. Tears won't stop coming from my eyes. My grandfather only has a few more days. My mom told me to answer the phone if it rang today because my grandma called lastnight when I was out and wants me to say something to my grandpa. just that I love and miss him. But it didnt ring. my mom ended up calling them, and I talked to my grandma for a few minutes. The last time I talked to her, and this time all she did was cry and I feel awful for her. My grandpa was asleep from all the medicine. She said he can't talk anymore, he stopped eating also it's been over a week since he's eaten. She said he holds her hand and stuff still but mostly he's out of it from the medicine even when he's awake.

I sat and thought about what I would want to say to him but thinking it'd be hard and maybe not wanting to say anything at all, and slightly glad/greatful that he was asleep tonight. Basically I would say "I'm sorry that I did not get to know you very well, but I love you very much and think about you all the time." But I dont even know if I can say that much without crying. I cant stop crying this is ridiculous. I'm not even that close to him why am I crying so much.

When they told me how bad he was last week I told my mom that I really did feel bad even though I was not close to him and she said stuff that made me sad maybe she didnt mean to but... she said "Well he is a hard man to get close to. That's not your fault. You were close to him when you were little even if you don't remember. She then went on to tell me all the things we used to do together. And I've seen home movies of it before, years ago, before I ever even knew he had cancer or was sick. I cried then too because I was close to him then and I felt shitty/sad/empty inside now/then in comparison. After she tells me all of these things she says "you'll always have those memories" But I don't. I don't have them at all because I was only 3 or 4 years old. Which made me feel even worse.

I have not lost anyone in my family before. I have never heard my grandma cry like that before. I've never thought about these things before. It sucks... I feel so sad. I think the more I type about it though the more I'll cry so I'll just go try to absorb myself in something else.

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 01:45:41 GMT

I have a million thoughts in my head and can't decide which to put down first.

I guess first and foremost, I went to the optometrist yesterday... As if I wasn't already geeky enough, now my outward appearance will express my inner geek :p Yep, I need glasses. My eyes are misaligned slightly, one looks up, one looks down, so my eyes have to work hard to keep it together so I don't have double vision. I also have a slight stigmatism, I can't read from far away, but it's very very slight. The doctor said if it wasn't for the misalignment that I probably wouldn't even need glasses, but the misalignment has been causing headaches and eye strain and sore/tenderness around the eyes for the last month or two, and he said it'll continue to get worse as my eyes become more and more fatigued. So yeah. Because my eyes are misaligned each lens had to be made special differently for each eye so it was really expensive. came to 500 bucks, but luckily penneys was having 50% off this month, so I got it for $256, still expensive but something that I need, my eyes are really bothering me more and more. They'll be ready for pickup in about 10 days.

I was really surprised after sifting through the countless lenses on the big chair lens-wheel thingy, just how clearly I could see. Now everything looks even MORE blurry. I never realized just HOW blurry everything really was. I just thought that's how things looked to EVERYBODY lol. I mean I knew I couldn't read small print from far away. But god damn... I went in, first thing you do is read the eye chart. He told me to pick the line where I could read most of the letters, it was like maybe the 3rd line down. But with the lenses, I could read another 3-4 lines further than that. In fact I could probably even read the very last line on the eye chart but I wasnt sure and he was saying to pick the line that was the clearest to read, so I read the line up one from the bottom. Like at first it was a lil hard and I missed some letters, but after fiddling with more of the lenses, I was able to read it easily without missing a beat and just rattle it off. Was like WHOO I can SEE OMG.

Ya the doctor said I need to wear the glasses "pretty much all the time" so my eyes are pretty screwed up - not just for reading but the misalignment etc. So if I want the headaches and tenderness to go away I have to wear the glasses. The prescription is good for 2 years, after that I am supposed to get them rechecked and adjusted if necessary.

The frames I picked out are kinda cute. They didn't have alot of the ones that they had on their website. And yeah, they probably coulda ordered them for me, but I tried some on there that I had really liked on the website and they were very unflattering to my face so I wouldn't have wanted to buy without trying them on. The ones I picked out are ok, not as trendy as I would have liked but they're kinda cute. They're purple or red (I can't remember I tried on so many) and kinda thick, not like super thick but not wire frames either, and then near the temple on each side they have a white swirl like design. Let me see if I can find a picture. Nope the ones I picked out aren't on the website. They are very similar to: http://www.jcpenneyoptical.com/images/products/crCR91-brown.jpg - In fact I tried those on and had a hard time deciding between that and the one I got, but the one I got, just felt like it sat better on my head, or more comfortable or something. Might be the same designer even. I can't remember. Hahaha I guess it'll be a surprise when I see them again since I've already forgotten what they look like. I don't even remember if they were red or purple ha. I just read an article just now while trying to find a pic of them that said red, purple, and "black and white combos" are the popular designs for this past summer, and with temple ornamentation. So I guess they are kinda trendy ;p /knew nothing about glasses just knew what I personally liked ;p. The lil thin wire frames are too "old" (old lady or old man or just old) looking to me. So I wanted a more bold looking frame. And colors, I love colors... true black goes with more stuff, but colors are fun :)

God it's probably gonna suck getting used to wearing them but it's gonna be SO nice to see. My eyes today have been REALLY peeving me off. I cant stop rubbing them now that I realize 1.) There's something wrong with them 2.) After seeing stuff bright and clear and darker and intensified, now everything looks "hazy" not just letters either but shapes and the whole world looks funny now. It always looked like THIS, but I never knew it before, and now that I know it's not SUPPOSED to look like this, it's like oh god, make it stop lol. I will be so happy when I get the glasses - I wasn't too thrilled at first but my boyfriend encouraged me and said (a few times the last few weeks) that I'd look cute in glasses and cheered me up :) And after seeing how different everything looks X_X; I never realized before. I'd never been to an optometrist just the highschool nurse once a year, and they didnt have the lenses there where they show you a buncha lenses and have you look at things through them. I remember one year, like in 9th or 10th grade, god that woulda been like 14 years ago now, they sent a note home with me that I needed glasses, but my parents didn't want to spend the money.

Probably the best purchase I've ever made X-X Something I actually need...

--------------------

Sooo I started typing this at like 10am but its now 10pm and I've forgotten most of whatever else I wanted to say. I know there were several other things. Among one is, it snowed lastnight, didnt stick, but makes me a sad panda.

Also I've been thinking bout canceling Aion - I can't really get into it, and it's just kinda "meh" to me. I recently started playing IMVU. Also did I mention before I bought Sims3 last month or so? Yeah, IMVU is so much better than the sims lol. I seen ads for it before but was always turned off by the ads because they're like kinda pervy or something, But it's basically like an online Sims game.

Actually....

What it's truely like...

Is an online Asian Ball Jointed Doll Simulation

You buy (or make your own and can even sell your creations) heads, eyes, wigs, clothes, there's different skin tones and faceups, and you can buy poses, and take photos. You can also decorate a room for your doll.

It's almost like my idea that I had for an asian ball jointed doll game. It's pretty effing schweet if you're an asian ball joint doll fan. And ALOT cheaper than getting into the REAL hobby haha.

I know there was other stuff I wanted to say but honestly now I have no idea.

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 04:22:02 GMT

I came home for a few days to see my mum and do some laundry. It may be the last time I come home until spring. I know that sounds odd, but I have such a huge phobia about driving in the snow... or hell even driving period. but especially in the snow T-T;

The only bad thing about visiting is theres too much junk food. my mom buys me snacks when I visit. X_X And I pigged out all weekend back in Ohio too... I had a really lovely weekend. Went out to many meals and boyfriend was very loveydovey. First thing he said when he walked through the door friday night as he got home from work was "holy fuck, you've lost alot of weight, I mean ALOT of weight" which made me happy. I shyly said thank you and told him I'd only lost 12 lbs and it's not that much but he said it looked like I lost alot. It made me happy. He rarely pays me compliments, especially so spontaneously like that ehehe... But I've eaten so much the last two or three days T-T; aye-aye-aye.... Well when I get back home wednessday I will hit up the gym. I probably will gain a lb or 2, I mean... its alot of food. We got up early saturday and went out to breakfast together, then did our grocery shopping and got lunch at an amish "villa" place, its a hotel/restaurant/butchery/pantry type place where brian's family always buys their meats because its so cheap. We got all kinds of meats, poultry, and fish, and I got some hot cocoa mix, and he got a gallon of really good 100$ natural, no sugar or anything added, apple cider (which sadly will probably all get drank by time I get home T-T Q_Q QQ~~ lol) It tasted like I was eating (err drinking) a real apple, so different from like dole or commerical apple juice which taste syruppy and sweet. It was honestly delicious. We got some spices and sauces and other things. Then yesterday his parents invited us out for dinner. And friday night we had gone out to dinner... It's too much food T-T; my mum took me shopping to get some snacks and then we got a couple pizzas for dinner/lunch for the next few days.

The only hitch in the last few days was the cat was getting on brian's nerves and he snapped at me about it. I took the cat into another room and without realizing it, fell asleep quickly. When brian came to apologize a bit later it led to making out and some fun. :) It seems like he's gotten taller to me, I had to stretch almost onto my tiptoes to kiss him, well he is only 25 so it's not impossible for him to still grow a bit I guess. However I was really sleepy so maybe it was my imagination that made him seem taller the other night.

Speaking of height, I started watching Lovely Complex. The art work is terrible and really turns me off greatly, but the characters and storyline are very good. I like Haruchan~~ /squeals. He is cute :) Otani is cute too for a shortie lol. Risa reminds me of my best friend very much!! Soooooo much! lol. Basically it's an anime about a "taller than average" girl and a "shorter than average" boy. who go to the same school and aside from their outward appearances have almost everything else in common, but neither one wants to admitt they might make a good couple (despite their classmates telling them this repeatedly) because they both have a complex about their heights. It's a good show. Chiharu reminds me of me. Really shy/quiet in general and nervous/scared around guys especially guys she doesn't know. Maybe that's why the show is tolerable despite the bad artwork, it's very easy to identify with the characters and match them up to real life people/scenarios. The artwork isnt "bad" just very Shounen... not Shoujo enough for a love anime... not Shoujo AT ALL X_X /dies. shoujo anime makes me happy, one of my favorite passtimes is Shoujo anime!!

I "finished" watching Skip Beat, however I either have to wait for (and hope they bring out a) Season 2, or go read the manga.... Anime ends at chapter 67 and the manga is still going on with nearly 200 chapters so far. There were rumours season 2 would start in october but looks like they are only rumours. Season 1 just aired in Japan in april 2009 so it's a relatively new series.

I keep hopeing they'll make an anime of Absolute Boyfriend as it's my "absolutely" (harharhar) favorite manga of all time (yes even more so than Peach Girl) SHOCK :) I know.

When I was young, Yuu Watase was my favorite Mangaka, but that was a long time ago and my tastes have broadened alot since then, or actually... become more narrow to be honest. 15 years ago there was not much anime in the united states, so I greatly sought out any and all anime. But now... there's so much (that's commercially released) and having cable and dsl (which i did not have as a teenager) also broadens my horizons into fansubs.

Many of the shows I like are similar or similar/predictable plots. But I really like a certain specific kind of anime. A prefer a very drama filled love story, but one that is at it's core light hearted. "She the Ultimate Weapon" was too violent/dark for me. Cant believe I watched it til the end, not really my cup of tea. Now Peach Girl, on the other hand or Aishiteruze Baby :) Much better choices for me. I like gut wrenchingly sad moments in anime, hell Windaria is one of my all time favorite anime and as someone said it is "Relentlessly Depressing". Another reviewer said it's (and this is probably the PERFECT way to describe Windaria) "2 inter-woven Romeo and Juliet Stories" Including the suicide and everything. I just... I like the gut wrenching bits to be from emotional conflict more than physical conflict. Films that make you think, the characters have flaws but are still likeable, and just nail biting suspension

When I was young I used to love Harem Anime (Like Tenchi Muyo - and to be honest I still like Tenchi, especially the movies.) But I tried watching that new harem anime that just started a few months ago in japan - I dunno the name something Sora na Kaksheiko or something I cant recall the last word or hall to spell it or what it means. I couldnt get into it. The art work was good, and it was a reverse harem, 1 girl and many cute bishie boys. But I dunno I was just like Meh. I wonder if I would feel "meh" about Fushigi Yuugi after all these years. I tried to watch Angelique today. I find the bishies incredibly sexy, but... just meh to the series. I've tried to watch the older series a few years ago and now tried to watch abyss... I just feel very meh about it. Could take it or leave it - It didn't grab my attention, although Angelique is SUPER kawaii!! and the bishes are drop dead sexy. I just felt "meh"

Only good harem anime I've seen in recent years is Pretear. It was very good in my opinion just right amounts of love/drama/action and comedy. - I've tried to watch others but they've left me feeling pretty dis-interested.

I think brian may have given me a cold D: nooo do not want. Take it back!! I asked him if he was getting a cold saturday cuz he kept sniffling and throughout weekend began sneezing more and more and more and now lastnight and today I've been coughing T-T Brrrriaaaan why you gib me cold T-T /cries He swears he didnt have one but he didnt sound too hot in my opinion and it's suspicious I begin coughing about 2-3 days later

Doesnt hurt yet but Im sure it will --- for now it's just an annoying cough.

Speaking of hurt my eyes feel tired - I need to go get them checked next week hopefully if i can get into the doctors.

I forgot how small Mia (my chihuahua) is. probably a lb and a half. I think no more than 3-4 lbs for sure. She fits in one hand and is like a quarter of the size of my big fat cat lol.

My hamster is still alive! I'm surprised!! I read they have short life spans but I've had mine for over a year now. About 15 months. Pretty good when their average is 1 year. Go Cocoa, Go :) she is fat but very cute. I miss my pets when Im in Ohio. They are awesome. I miss my mum too and of course my grandma but she's not here right now.

I have a Z.Z I think I'll watch one more episode of Lovely Complex and go to sleep. Actually maybe skip that and go straight to sleep Im starting to slip into sleep already

I feel full and fat, but only another day and a half and then back to working out and eating very little throughout the day - not trying to diet, i just dont like cooking for one, too many left overs, so i tend to eat only 1 meal a day - which i know is bad for my metabolism. but meh. I need to stock up on some more quicky items like ramen lol (no nutritional value but better than skipping meals completely) as well as some fresh fruits, salads, and veggies Alright im gonna pass out Z.Z time for SLEEEEEEEEEEP /crashes

Fri, 02 Oct 2009 17:05:52 GMT

argh noooo. there's going to be a 2nd season to skip beat T-T /cry. Cliffhangers are bad lol. It's supposed to begin on October 5th in Japan and since it's one of crunchyroll's featured series they should be simultaneously broadcasting it. I hope. T-T

Fri, 02 Oct 2009 14:21:37 GMT

I feel like in anime or even some american cartoons where the character gets spinning stars above it's head. I stayed up too late. And got up too early. I feel like I'm litterally reeling I think a nap is in order. I was soooo caught up in "Skip Beat!" I only have 2 more episodes now til the end. I love 25 episode series. Perfect length. And it being a shoujo love/romance with a very strong female lead is great. Reminds me of Peach Girl. Even the art just a bit. I wonder who wrote Skip Beat! assuming it was even a manga before. Reminds me I still have a manga out in my car that I need to finish reading "Papilon" by the same mangka that wrote Peach Girl who's name I don't remember right now since Im running on 4 hours of sleep at the moment.

I found I had a pair of pants here :D YAY I thought all my fall clothes were back home in PA. These pants fit great. I normally don't like pants but these are comfortable and just the right length. I don't even know if I wore them much last year.

Trying to debate if I wanna watch skip beat or sleep. Im seriously thinking sleep is gonna win out here. But then again I can always sleep after I watch it too. Ah the joys of being unemployed. lol I kid. I really rather be working so that I am not a burden to anyone T-T;

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 16:14:29 GMT

I love my cat. -That's all I wanted to say :)

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 22:43:07 GMT

I spent over 150 dollars and over 4 hours at the salon today... but it was so worth it. I love my new hair so much. I dont think I've ever been happier with a hair color/style before. It's close enough to scene hair to make me happy, but not look inappropriate with my age, and unlike the last time I went to the salon for color, they actually took time to do chemical tests and it didn't hurt at all. The last time I had professional color (and bleach and stripping and w/e else they do) it burnt like a bitch - i had itchy scabs on my head cuz they didnt know wtf they were doing. I got to the salon at 11ish this morning. It was 3:30 when I got out X_X; I didn't like the red at first because it's a lil more orange and I was looking for wine actually like a deeper subdued red. But they didnt have anything like it the girl mixed the haircolor using 2 different reds and a brown, she did 1 highlight first and let me look. I was thinking ungh orange, but she told me it'd change a lil after it dried so Im like ok we'll see I can always color over it in a few weeks wth - Im like oh its nice. and Then I started getting compliments from the other stylists and customers in the salon and started gaining confidence and even when I got home I still wasnt sure... but now 2 hours later I LOVE it. so so much. It's friggin awesome. I'm very happy :D I like the salon very, very much. Since I was there for 4 hours I gave the stylist working on me a 20 dollar tip. (It came to like 153 bucks anyways so 15 woulda been 10% which is what most people tip.) It was expensive, and time consuming, but just awesome. It is my natural root color as a base which is a very dark brown, and then this really pretty almost irish looking red throughout the whole thing. Even the under layers. It took almost 2 hours just to get the foils in because my hair is so thick. But it looks friggin awesome. I think anyways ^^; People that don't really like scene hair may not like it since it's super contrasty. /cough if I had my way the red bits would be hot pink lol but brian hates weird colored hair and he was "nice enough" to approve of the black and red combo.

As a bonus it makes my hazel eyes lean heavily towards the green end of the spectrum, when my hair was dark brown my eyes were almost black, now they're very green with like lil specks of brown.

And I like the hair so much I took over 50 pics lol. The pics where the hair is very dark in the brown areas and contrasty highlights are the most accurate (natural light with no flash)

Extreme picture overload beneath cut

And as a bonus, a picture of the back of my cat lol

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 15:38:13 GMT

I feel extra tired today. Been up about 2 hours and have done nothing productive. It's one of those days. It's dark and gloomy as all heck outside. Probably cold too. I hate winter. I dont want to drive in it T-T I has a huge huge scared T-T... Q_Q;

I also dislike fall for it makes my allergies bad - and makes me sentimental; all the relationships I've had have all begun and ended in the fall, with the exception of the current one which began in winter and hasnt ended yet /knocks on wood. But yeah fall just reminds me of the ends of things. it's not as depressing as winter. I love the leaves when they change colors and don't mind a light soft clean rain, but... it's just the end of summer, the end of vacations, the end of childhood innocence, the end of sunlight, moving into darkness for another 5 to 6 months... meh. I am not a fan. Halloween is my favorite holiday so at least I have that to look forward to. Fall makes me a lil sad. I wish we could just fast forward to june.

I miss California. I dislike winters and snow. I know that if me and brian ever break up - not that I want to or anything -- I'll move back there in a heartbeat. I really really really miss it... alot. Why did I move back here again.... I thought I could run away from everything and make a clean start away from all the memories. But the funny thing about memories is, they follow you no matter how far you run.

It's not that they were better or happier memories than what I have right now. Just still it's human nature to think if you'd done this differently or that, then this. I guess. I think things like "If I hadn't slept with (the last guy I dated before brian) then we'd probably still be friends. Friends with benefits wasn't bad until I started developing feelings for the guy, and decided I didn't want to tell him because I lacked the confidence and even though he'd expressed that he was "just there to make me happy" and always asked "what can I do for you" and was always there for me... I still thought that most likely he didn't want anything like a relationship since we had never discussed it and never even went on a date, just chilled over at my house. Besides I'd never actually dated and it was nice until I realized how much I really liked him and then began to feel bad/guilty/slutty and pushed him away since I couldn't stand sleeping with someone without being in love. I mean it felt good and was fun, but made my heart ache too much to continue. We only slept together one time too, and I think things like "if I hadn't done that, we'd probably still be friends".

And then of course things with my first true love, it was all my fault that things didn't work out... because I was clingy and possessive and jealous and insecure and lacked confidence in myself or the relationship, even though he moved like 4 or 5 states away just to be with me, worked a job he hated which he often had to walk to since he had no car and didn't drive, just to pay rent to be with me... and I treated him so very horrible... I hate myself for that. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself. I didn't realize at the time what a horrible complete psycho bitch I was. Even though I loved him more than life, and it was the first time in my life I ever felt even a shred of happiness, I unknowingly destroyed everything with my own 2 hands. And when he gave me a 2nd chance, I did it all again... I hate that... guilt and regret... even now 7 years later. Of course it took me probably a good 3 or 4 years to even realize what a horrible bitch I was and start to change. I'm still not perfect but I really try to make sure that whoever I'm with from now on, knows how important they are to me, how much I love them, and to treat them with kindness and compassion.

That's really all I can do is just try. I've made alot of mistakes in my life. and hell I still make them from time to time. But I really do try with brian to be as supportive and sugary sweet and gentle and kind and caring as possible. If things ever do end, I want to be able to look back and say "We just weren't right for eachother" instead of "Oh god, how could I fuck that up so badly" lol... Of course hopefully things will never end between us :) but in the event they ever did, I think that's the best scenario I could hope for.

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 05:36:53 GMT

Ungh. I drank too much - Im gonna be feeling this in the morning for sure. meanwhile im drunk, horny, and not all that tired. Despite getting sick, we did fool around a lil, not as much as I wouldve liked since he wasnst vetry drunk. He took naughty pictures of me, for hismself I trust. I havent let anyone do that nor have they wanted to since my first boyfriend. Yesterday my boyfriend complimented me on my weight loss. said I'd lost alot of weight and made me feel good. boy when i close my eyes they wanna stay closed - i guess im goin to sleep in a few minutes rather I want to or nt. I think Im so frunk at this point that I dint wreally have a choice. Can barely move body. Can barely walk or stand up. Was fun titl I get sick. I can't sing white wedding and my scoore on it resulted in 14 shots... yes really that many from 1 song. Seriously not a typo. X_X; Drunken rockband drinking game is fun til yo get completely destroyed like that. Sorry for any typos, I am beyond trashed right noww.Was fun til I got my asss kicked. At least im not sick anymore, orperty much felt better like 99.99% vetter after gettng sick awile ago. Eyes feek so goood swhen they close seriously. I go to slleep niw, Write more later.

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 20:28:57 GMT

._.; Raid soon in WoW. I kinda dont wanna go, but Triumph badges are luffz *heart*. Plus Onyxia :O. And Voa mebbe if alliance captures it.

I been playing sims 3 all day - well I cooked dinner and ate dinner and showered this morning and helped carry in groceries and dropped the rent off at the leasing office, but ya other than that, sims 3 lol. :)

I'm glad I bought it. It is alot of fun to me. It doesn't seem like it'll get as "stale" or "boring" as fast with the traits, places to go in the town, downloadable content, and life goals with lifetime happiness rewards, and the genetics system is neat :)

After raid it's time for a lil "fun" emphasis on quotations ^-^;; meow m^-^m /pounce hehe.... ^^;;;;;;;; At least that's the plan - raid better not last all damn night, WoW is not better than sex lol.

I bought a new bra the other day on a scale of 1-10 in comfort its like a 6 maybe at best, but on how sexy it makes my chest look, like a 9 or 10 lol. It's some type of "double" push up bra, supposed to give you double cleaveage. I actually just went looking for a moderately comfortable flesh tone bra with removable straps for my halloween costume. It's not really Uncomfortable persay, but given that it's doing it's job of lifting and squishing my breasts together, it's a lil erm "confining" ;p But knowing that we were planing to fool around tonight I decided to try it out :). I definitely like the shape it gives me, at the expense of being slightly squished lol

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 17:05:07 GMT

I feel sad. I heard from my mom that my grandfather is as she put it "very very very sick" and "he can't even get out of bed anymore" It seems like the last week or so the cancer has spread rapidly and he may even already be dead as I'm typing this. My grandmother had flown to take care of him, back in june or july, I haven't seen her since then. She was supposed to come home tonight but then yesterday I guess his condition became like this. Literally on his death bed at this point. I feel genuinely sad. I was not as close to him as I am to my grandmother, but he is still my biological grandfather, and I've never experienced a death in the family, even my great grandmother is still alive, everyone in my family had children very young so there's only 16-20 years separating each generation. So no one has passed yet, none of my aunts or uncles or anyone. So when my grandfather passes it might effect me more than I'm anticipating. I already feel very anxious and sad. I regret not knowing him better. I guess my grandma is (understandably) just staying out there to take care of him til he passes. Which sadly, doesn't seem that far off. It's sad. I'm crying typing it even. Argh, stop that.

-----------------------

So in other news which maybe seems inappropriate or rude to post in the same post, but trying to save space, I got Sims3 a few days ago, installing it now :) Should be fun. Aion is going well except for the 6 and a half hour queues... I don't play Aion as much as I'd like. I'm only level 10 but have fairly high crafting already and many other characters around that level also. I deleted my asmodian mage, and remade her - I dunno why, heh just to play with the character generator It's fun for me :) WoW is going good as well. We had alliance realm first for the new Onyxia encounter. 5th overall. (dang hoarde) hehe.

----------

What do you all think of live journal's new partnership with adsense? I think it's a good concept but I don't think you should have to pay, I mean blogger and wordpress and millions of other free journals already give you this option for free. - Oh well - not a big deal. My days of earning money blogging are far gone now. I still try occasionally, but meh. I made about 400 bucks over the course of 16 months or so with my journal and websites etc. Bought myself a few things and did xmas shopping for **everyone** back in 2007-i think it was around then. Was really nice to have that extra money and was really nearly effortless on my behalf. But alot of the good sites arent around anymore or you have to have like a really high google page rank and alexia score. Which of course most people's little private journals and websites don't have.

Anyways my game is ready to play ^-^ ja ne

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 15:33:19 GMT

My wig arrived yesterday. My costumes are "out for delivery" right now. I have an interview at 3:30pm today in Wickliffe. For a graphic / web designer. It seems like it's a subburb of Cleveland - trying to figure out what traffic and parking is like as that will have some factorization as to if I take the job or not heh... It looks like it's about 10 minutes from the town where we play rockband. And that's a nice quiet little town. Looking at the pictures on the web, it looks like wickliffe is small. In fact wikipedia says its only 4.7 sqaure miles, and 95% white (not that im racist just stereotypically suburbs are mostly white americans.) So it doesn't sound like it's in downtown cleveland like my last 3 or 4 interviews. Which makes me feel slightly better. Still it's a long drive (over 30 minutes, close to 40) from here... and with winter coming... I has a scared :(... Still I should go to the interview. It sounds like a small company, and I'm really more comfortable with that such as kellners etc. It'd be experience. And if the roads are too bad, most small companies are gonna understand if you're a lil late or call off or whatever. Plus the nature of my job is I can work from anywhere that I have my computer. But yeah... I dunno I'll go see. Another thing is the last time we went to play rockband I commented on how nice their little town was and brian said that before he got laid off he was looking for apartments out there, and he now works for that company again so it'd be closer for him also, and our lease does expire in a few months, so could always work something out.

I has a sleepy T-T stayed up too late lastnight

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 06:09:19 GMT

:D I got my halloween costumes ordered today - assuming they fit and if not they have a 2 week return policy.

I gots a mermaid one and a nurse one ^-^ Both were on clearance but I still spent over 85 bucks >.> and then bought like a 30 dollar wig after that lol

LARGE STOCK PHOTOS ARE LARGE:

Mermaid costume and accessories

"seaweed" boa

"seaweed hair accessories"

AWESOME red wig

Debating buying a blue or green wrap but wanna get dress to see if it fits/actual colors first.

I'm then going to make my own hairclips and jewelry out of seashells

Nurse Costume and Accessories

Yay for costumes :)

Hope they will fit.

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 17:01:01 GMT

I had the strangest most vivid, longest dream I've had in awhile. O_o; It was a happy(i guess?) dream. It had some sad parts but mostly it was really neat - even if it made no sense. Sooo vivid and specific.

I dreamt that I went to england for some kind of school trip (college I think as everyone seemed older than highschool age.) It was to spend 2 weeks there.

The dream starts on an airplane I'm with brian. For some reason, the stewardess comes and gives us a slip of paper with a section number written on it and we were told we had to introduce ourselves to those people and say one nice thing about each of them. There was a guy with long hair and I said "I like your hair". there was a young newlywed couple and I told them they made a cute couple. There was a guy with some type of scifi or anime tshirt and I told him "I like your shirt" There was a woman with her elderly grandmother and she was taking care of her and I told her how happy her grandmother looked.

When we first get there I'm walking up the steps to the school and they're really narrow and I almost fall and I make a comment aloud to myself "man these stairs are narrow and it's not just because I'm a fat american" and some people laughed at me/made comments til I replied "-- well I am but... my foot is only a size 8 which is average."

As they were entering the classroom, I noticed everyone from the field trip had some type of handbook, except for me. Luckily there was a teacher chaperon out in the hallway by the classroom we were entering and I got my handbook and took my seat in the classroom.

There were alot of different people in the room, and for some reason, a large number of japanese-school girl looking girls. 3 of them got up and moved to the wall of the classroom by the door when you first enter and started singing a J-pop/anime-esque type of tune. Someone said that's how they start every morning and I kept thinking how awesome it was. Then people came and gave us "welcome gifts" I guess, they were 3 neatly wrapped boxes stacked on top of eachother, I never did see what was inside.

After that, leaving the classroom behind, I remember being worried because I forgot to get an international roaming plan on my phone and calling my carrier to see if they would retro-activate it for me.

The next day was a free day, no classes. There was a bus that went into town. It stopped at a very tiny little store with brightly colored signage. The sign was like red/black/green/yellow with a jungle or surf like motif and had strongbad on it O_o; I went in and for some reason was the only one in there, others had stayed on the bus or gotten off at other stops. The store was full of all kinds of anime/videogame Plushies and Actionfigures. I was geeking out majorly. The shopkeeper was showing me everything from clocks to teddybears. Then I seen a really cute caterpillar plushie, supposedly from alice in wonderland. It was only like $9.48 on the tag (yeah the price was in usd even tho it was supposedly in england lol) I was picking it up to check the price on the tag when the shopkeeper says "I'd probably be willing to go down in price on that one since it's the last one." I'm like "Really?!" nearly squealing happily and he's like "I said I would, didn't I?" not in a mean or sarcastic way, kinda hard to describe. So I take it up to the counter and he cleans it up and boxes it up. Then I leave the store and I get a call on my phone which is actually like this weird flat screen looking thing, looks more like a gps than a phone, lol. And they say there was a fire or something and the bus cant come back so Im like panicing and not sure what to do.

Then I see the shop keeper leave the store and head down the street to a park like area. I decide to follow for some reason just so I'm not by myself in a strange town. For some reason all the guys at the park are like flirting with me and making cat-calls, etc O_o; I finally see the shopkeeper guy again and explain the situation with the bus. Since we have time to kill before the next boss, he invites me to go out on his sailboat. I've never been sailing, but if it's anything like it was in my dream, it was amazing.

For some reason, after that I meet up with brian out of nowhere and introduce the shopkeeper to him. We go to a waterpark, which brian would never do irl because he hates water. And we're floating around on the lazy river thing, pretending the intertubes are like bumper cars and giggling and splashing around.

We get out and there are icecream sandwhiches walking around on the "dock" area. O_o; a shopkeeper comes and yells at the icecream sandwhiches for trying to escape and puts them back in the freezer O_o;; wtf lol.

We go back to the hotel and there's like a party going on and we're all dressed to the nines. Brian gets really drunk and wanders off somewhere leaving me alone. I bump into the anime-plushie shop keeper again and we sit on a couch playing scrabble. We apparently play scrabble til 3am. I dunno if we're drinking or what, but I get up to get a drink of something, and come back and the shop keeper has taken the scrabble board and tiles and spelled out "Will you marry me?" on it. As I set the glass down on the table and look down and notice it I immediately shut him down, and he laughs it off like it as a joke, but looks hurt. The night goes on and plushie-keeper keeps trying to cuddle/put the moves on me, I for some reason don't seem to resist too much but don't really reciprocate much either and after he tries to kiss me I tell him that I don't want to disrespect my boyfriend like that and leave to go find him. I find passed out asleep back in the hotel room. I go to sleep. The next morning a fight ensues wanting to know where I was, to which I told him he was the one that left me all alone, and that I was just downstairs playing scrabble and he says he heard what had happened lastnight about the proposal thing, and I said it was a joke and that I shut him down without even blinking an eye. And he keeps insisting that I like the shopkeeper guy because I've been with him all week. And I try to protest and say I don't but it doesn't seem to matter. Eventually we start to cry and cuddle and make up and appologize, but he is still a lil tipsy from the night before, so naughty things ensue. He said something about the shop-keeper not being able to satisfy me like that, and about how he'd like to see him try/ or like to see him walk in right now and see what a slut i was or something to that effect O_o;

Sooo next thing I know is my best friend comes to see me and she cries and tells me I'm "awful" for hurting the shop-keeper guy and how depressed he is, and how I deserve to be alone and starts hitting me with a pillow repeatedly saying how much she "despises me" and I don't even look up at her and I say "fine, just go then" And she leaves and I feel sad and once again I am alone.

I decide to go see/say goodbye to the plushie-keeper. So I tell him that the trip is ending in 2 more days and that I'll be leaving and that I'm sorry and will miss him/offer him my number. Everything is really green and pretty and I think about how I don't want to go back.But that i have to cuz kaylee is waiting for me. Plushie-keeper then decides to show me how to clone kaylee like you clone willows from their leaves O_O; he takes a willow branch and places it in water, and suddenly four kaylee's sprout from it O_o;;; Then I wake up O_O; and got WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFff

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 14:36:31 GMT

I have an interview monday at 11am. It's in downtown cleveland again le-sigh time to get lost again lol. But it's for a graphic design position and we shall see. It's just temp-to-hire but is specifically exactly in my field of study/degree.

I been playing Aion ^-^ goodstuff.

I went to the cleveland airshow sunday... got burnt black... beyond red... it is a dark brown D: and the skin is peeling off - even my eyes got burnt and hurt like a bitch >.< Thank god for aloe vera gel and solarcaine. but I cant really do anything for my eyes other than visine T-T

As I near the (possible) end of the unemployment rainbow, I feel a lil sad lol. I got super spoiled the last 4-5 months haha :P Oh well ^-^ I do like my field of study and if I find a job doing that, the hours fly by and i am usually in a good mood. If Im driven back into the evils of retail/customer service T-T I will cry lol. (not really but ya know ;p it sucks lol)

I been home a few days with my mum. Im going home this afternoon. Taking new dell home ^-^ Exciting. I probably wont get to hook it up for a few days because I need halp setting up my desk and my boyfriend is on call at work this week. T-T tears. Also double tears because my laptop has been acting fishy for about a month now T-T I think it's dyeing a slow horrible death T-T; I will miss laying in bed or "in couch" lol.

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 18:11:39 GMT

I feel very, very depressed and tired D:
I'm going to go to the gym after I write this, but I sometimes wonder why I bother.
I feel really disturbed about some things and just don't feel that great.

I really just want to lay down on the couch and sleep...
But at least if I go work out... I can say I tried.
I feel really unfocused and just blah blah today.

Probably doesnt help that it's almost that time of the month again or a little bit past it now actually.
I just feel so depressed right now. I wanna lay down and cry... and I don't even know why.

I hate being this way.

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 13:44:43 GMT

D: Just woke up. I'm so so sleepy arghhhhhhwahaha. I have a long ass drive ahead of me once I climb out of the shower. But first my eyes need to stop burning D:

I'm sick. D: Have been for one full week as of tomorrow. Sinus Infection. I was feeling a lil bit better but overdid things and feel like absolute complete shit again now. X_X;

So I have lots of things to write about but not much time to do it in.

Recap of the last week

Last Friday 3am: Got sick - haven't had a full night's rest since then. was up at 5am the night before last for example. X_X Being sick FOR THE LOSE

Last Saturday: Purchased Aion Collector's Edition. Not quitting WoW but some friends are getting Aion and after watching some Youtube videos I'm hooked. I love the asian aesthetic what can I say lol. That is one fine-ass looking game. On the downside, Open PVP worries me D: I suck at pvp and I dislike people that gank newbies, T-bag, camp corpses, etc. But the game is pretty enough and has some unique enough features that I will give it a try. Anxiously awaiting the announcement of their open beta sometime this week and my headstart on the live servers on september 20th - 3 weeks away! whoop whoop whoop. :D it's almost here. The last week I've been increasingly obsessed with the game. Bad. lol.

Sunday: Had an interview.

Monday: Came back to PA

Tuesday: Went to waterpark with my friend. Was fun ^^ I'd like to go back sometime.

Yesterday: Ordered a new PC :D (thanks to my grandma). It's not state of the art. But it is a big upgrade over my laptop. I have not used a desktop PC in about 8 years now. lol. But they're just more affordable for what you get. A similarly spec'd laptop wouldve been probably over 1400 bucks. I got this desktop for 700 :)

Specs:

224-3530 Studio Mini-Tower, Intel Core 2 Quad Q8300 (2.5GHz, 4MB) $707.00
1 311-9442 6GB DDR2 SDRAM at 800MHz - 2X2GB+2X1GB $0.00
1 330-1258 Dell Wireless Desktop Keyboardand Mouse $0.00
1 320-8043 20.0 Dell ST2010 HD Widescreen Monitor with VGA Cable $0.00
1 320-8145 ATI Radeon HD 4350 512MB $0.00
1 341-7642 640GB Serial ATA 2 Hard Drive 7200RPM $0.00
1 311-9655 Integrated Media Card Reader $0.00
1 420-9288 Microsoft Windows Vista SP1 Home Premium 64-bit Edition English $0.00
1 330-1631 Dell Resource DVD with Application Backup $0.00
1 420-9105 eBay Web Access Icon $0.00
1 420-6436 Vista, PC-Restore, Dim/Insp $0.00
1 420-8873 Dell Dock Consumer $0.00
1 463-2282 Dell Owners Manual installed on your system,click on icon after system set-up to access $0.00
1 420-8874 Dell Video Chat $0.00
1 421-0323 Windows Live Search,Multiple User Interface $0.00
1 420-7938 Dell Connect 2.1 $0.00
1 421-0530 Dell Support Center 2.0 64bit $0.00
1 421-0427 Dell Movie Store $0.00
1 420-9691 DataSafe Local BackUp 2.0 Basic $0.00
1 421-0092 DELL-DOWNLOAD-FLAG $0.00
1 421-1183 Download Store Links $0.00
1 310-5678 Mouse included with Keyboard purchase $0.00
1 430-3322 Integrated 10/1000 Ethernet $0.00
1 313-7115 No Modem Option $0.00
1 410-1867 ADOBE READER 9.0 MULTI- LANGUAGE $0.00
1 313-6915 16X DVD+/-RW DRIVE $0.00
1 421-0997 Power DVD 8.2, DVD $0.00
1 420-8149 Roxio Creator 10.2 Dell Edition Factory Installed $0.00
1 313-7114 Integrated 7.1 Channel Audio $0.00
1 313-6557 Dell AX210 USB Stereo Speaker $0.00
1 410-2138 McAfee SecurityCenter with anti-virus, anti-spyware firewall, 30-Days $0.00
1 421-0306 MS Works 9.0 With H and S Trial,English $0.00
1 421-0462 MS Works 9.0 With HS Trial $0.00
1 960-3249 Banctec Service Agreement $.00
1 983-3680 Warranty Support,Initial Year $0.00
1 987-6238 No Warranty, Year 2 and 3 $0.00
1 990-8029 1 Year Limited Warranty and Next Business Day,Desktop $.00
1 992-2577 Dell Hardware Limited Warranty Plus Onsite Service Initial Year $0.00
1 991-1340 Next Business Day Parts and Labor On-Site Service, Initial Year $0.00
1 988-0099 To activate your online backupaccount, go to Start, Programs, DataSafe Online $.00
1 988-7707 2GB DATASAFE ONLINE 1.1 FOR SDO/DIM/INS/XPS $.00
1 420-9518 DATASAFE ONLINE 1.1 2GB $0.00
1 330-0172 S and P Drop-in-Box Marcom forDHS Desktops $0.00
1 420-9352 Dell, Software, Wild Tangent Inc Games $.00
1 310-8626 You have chosen a Windows Vista Premium System $.00
1 420-9800 Dell Remote Access free basic to access your PCs from outside your home $.00
1 993-1919 Dell Remote Access, free basic service - access your PCs and files from outside your home $0.00

Now I gotta save my money to buy a desk and chair

-------

Im going to attempt to get awake and get in the shower D: I feel like uber shitty X_X on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being the peak of perfection and 10 being verge of death, I FEEL as if I'm sitting around a 6 or 7. I feel just awful X_X; do not want! D:

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 00:23:20 GMT

I have a thing for accents :) they are so pretty (well most of them at least). I found this song on rockband today. and I absolutely love it. The words are so, so beautiful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24b2oeK0vWo

"When your sparkle evades your soul, I'll be at your side to console." "When you're standing on the window ledge, I'll talk you back, back from the edge." "I will turn, I will turn your tide. Be your Shepard. I swear I'll be your guide." "When you're lost in the deep and darkest place around, may my words walk you home safe and sound."

Playing With Make-Up

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 21:15:04 GMT

I fail at putting on makeup. I dunno how because I never wore it in school. I watched a tutorial today (which i oddly found through the slap chop rap video on youtube lol.) I dunno. XD I still need to improve. I thought I would practice today since I thought I was not going anywhere. Then about 30 minutes ago my BF calls and says we're going to DND tonight D: fail lol. Oh well. I'll learn eventually. He said it didn't look "THAT" bad. lol...

Tharr Be Picturez in Heres

Crappy pics taken with my crappy cellphone.